Am I Being Reasonable?
Whenever I get pushback. Or someone gets offended by something I do or say, I ask myself “Am I being reasonable?”
More Than Am I Being Reasonable – Should I Be Reasonable?
When I’ve clearly created a strong reaction in someone else, it’s time to check myself. Maybe.
First of all, I need to assess if the situation is dire enough to be unreasonable. If I or someone I love is being threatened for instance. Being “unreasonable” might be completely reasonable. And even if it isn’t, I can assess after the fact and make amends where necessary.
But if there are no heightened circumstances, and the reaction seems stronger than I expected, then I assess my ideas and state of mind.
- Am I feeling well physically? Often when I’m sick or out-of-sorts, my reactions aren’t as reasonable as usual. Am I tired and sleep-deprived? Hormonal? On a new medication?
- Have I been “hating everyone” in the recent hours? There are some days where I am just an asshole and I need to lay low. And I can only see it when there’s a general trend in my recent behavior.
- Is my reaction oversized for the situation. If I’m enraged, is rage appropriate for this situation? Do I have some sense of panicked “fight or flight” feeling. Do I feel like I have a lack of control over my ability to respond?
- Finally, I can ask people who I trust to help me assess.
If any of the previous four situations are in-play, I am usually able to back myself off the ledge. Usually there’s an apology. From me.
A QueerJoe Theory on Parenting and Reasonability
Many of you know that I never give parenting advice. I’ve never been a parent of a human. And I don’t presume to know anything about what parents go through.
However, having been a non-parent all my life, I can say that I think there’s a life-skill that I think would have been easier to learn had I been responsible for raising a child.
Most parents I know learn how to triage human interactions better than non-parents. They learn much more quickly (it seems to me) how to assess conflict. What to let go of or what to pursue with importance.
I put this under the category of “theory” because it might just be one of those incredibly ignorant blindspots of mine.
So I’ll throw it out there for response to any of the parents or non-parents who have a thought about it.
Current Knitting
I’ve been incredibly busy with Men’s Knitting Retreat-related business. We’re setting up workshop participation for May and there’s a lot that goes into it.
But I still have done some work on the latest Garter Striped Scarf.
US 5 (3.75 mm) needles (Lykke Blush Interchangeable needles!). KnitPicks Gloss Fingering and Urth Uneek Fingering yarns and 475 stitches per row.
I’m also doing a 3-stitch i-cord selvedge edge, which I am just loving.
It gives the scarf ends a nice, finished look. No?
Love the I-cord selvage. Makes me want to try that along with an I-cord cast on and bind off. To kind of create a frame around the knitting
That selvedge make the garter look so much more finished/elegant.
Thanks for sharing your self-assessment steps.
The i-cord edge looks great. Wish I knew of this technique when I was making a garter scarf for my brother. I forget how I dealt with the edge….Your i-cord really adds a completed look to the selvedge.
Great shirt too!
I think your reflection questions should be taught to everyone. There’s no reason for self regulation and human interactions to be left to instinct, but that is pretty much where we are. Let’s make this stuff explicit. I have my asshole days too, aka PMS from hell. People ask me if I’m okay all the time. That’s how I know I need to smile a little, even if I’m not feeling it.
Your garter scarf is lovely! The combo of the knit picks and uneek is unexpected and shows them both off really well.
Interestingly, I think the questions are obvious. What often isn’t obvious is the need to ask those questions. My mood warps reality and insists everyone else is the asshole. So, I’d think giving people a way to take a step back and assess might be more useful.