The Trauma Of First Love
Recently, I’ve heard a number of stories of people who have experienced the trauma of first love. I have too.
How Have You Experienced The Trauma of First Love?
When I was 23 years old, I was in a relationship with David who was 20 years old.
First of all, let it be said that I was an emotionally young 23 (even more so than most 23 year old guys). It was in a time when eligible gay partners seemed scarce to me…as though I had very little chance of ever finding someone I’d love. Well, I fell head-over-heels for David. He was an incredibly good looking guy. And he thought I was good looking too. What more did I need for a successful relationship?
Obviously, it didn’t work out as I’d envisioned. In fact, quite the opposite, I ended up feeling quite betrayed and heartbroken. It may sound trite, but the gut-punch of this failed relationship had me making long-lasting decisions about my life. How guarded and not vulnerable I would be….that I would be more cautious (way more cautious) about when I would allow someone to get close.
I’m not sure I ever acknowledged this consciously, but I decided that being intimate with someone was dangerous and must be avoided. The breakup was also the event that in many ways broke my idealism and enthusiasm about life.
I remind you here that I was a very emotionally-young 23 years old. David and I were together for about 14 months. Interestingly, I have no photos of my time with David. In fact, I can’t even find any on-line reference to him at all.
As I celebrate 39 years together with Thaddeus, I can confidently say that I’ve worked through a lot of my early love-trauma issues.
But I can also assure you that there still remain remnants of that first love-trauma.
The test-knit of the triangular shawl is coming along nicely.
In fact, if I follow the instructions, it’s almost finished. The test-design calls for using one skein of fingering weight yarn. This is 100 grams of Gedifra Lana Mia superwash fingering-weight yarn (about 425 yards.
I think I will block the shawl to see how long it will be…document the result as my test-knit, and then start working a second ball of yarn to make it bigger.
We’ll see…I have options.
1 comment on “The Trauma Of First Love”
The feeling with that type of heartbreak never goes away, especially when betrayal is involved. But thankfully you were able to use it to help formulate your new self going forward. Guarded or not, it was your authentic self and there’s no regret in that. And I have to believe it helped you find your true love. Love you brother.