The Trauma Of First Love
Recently, I’ve heard a number of stories of people who have experienced the trauma of first love. I have too.
How Have You Experienced The Trauma of First Love?
When I was 23 years old, I was in a relationship with David who was 20 years old.
First of all, let it be said that I was an emotionally young 23 (even more so than most 23 year old guys). It was in a time when eligible gay partners seemed scarce to me…as though I had very little chance of ever finding someone I’d love. Well, I fell head-over-heels for David. He was an incredibly good looking guy. And he thought I was good looking too. What more did I need for a successful relationship?
Obviously, it didn’t work out as I’d envisioned. In fact, quite the opposite, I ended up feeling quite betrayed and heartbroken. It may sound trite, but the gut-punch of this failed relationship had me making long-lasting decisions about my life. How guarded and not vulnerable I would be….that I would be more cautious (way more cautious) about when I would allow someone to get close.
I’m not sure I ever acknowledged this consciously, but I decided that being intimate with someone was dangerous and must be avoided. The breakup was also the event that in many ways broke my idealism and enthusiasm about life.
I remind you here that I was a very emotionally-young 23 years old. David and I were together for about 14 months. Interestingly, I have no photos of my time with David. In fact, I can’t even find any on-line reference to him at all.
As I celebrate 39 years together with Thaddeus, I can confidently say that I’ve worked through a lot of my early love-trauma issues.
But I can also assure you that there still remain remnants of that first love-trauma.
The test-knit of the triangular shawl is coming along nicely.
In fact, if I follow the instructions, it’s almost finished. The test-design calls for using one skein of fingering weight yarn. This is 100 grams of Gedifra Lana Mia superwash fingering-weight yarn (about 425 yards.
I think I will block the shawl to see how long it will be…document the result as my test-knit, and then start working a second ball of yarn to make it bigger.
We’ll see…I have options.